Twenty three

I'm opening a little before my birthday. I used to hate people doing this I was like it's very dramatic why you doing stuff like this but here I am doing dramatic stuff.

Before you read all of this blog/letter please don't read my previous blogs hehe it is my work years ago maybe you thinking "you can unpublished that" but I don't feel doing that but if you want to read it then go, just don't tell me haha thankyou.

If you are my long-time friend of mine or classmate you know how impatient, and rude I am, I admit that I'm wrong but I never say sorry that's the main problem of mine. I know. So I'm thinking this for a long time, and my birth month is the best month to do this (I guess). I reflect and just want to say sorry for all I did to you. I don't know if I hurt you but who knows maybe I talk back to you and low key judge you. Did I cause trauma? Did I cause your anxiety? Did I disappoint you? I'm really sorry. I'm truly sorry.

Way back in 2017 my life is a mess to the point I want myself gone, after I found BTS I realize I should be kind and understanding like RM. RM is a big influence on me. I'm amazed at how he handles every situation. Then I ask myself should I change for the better? It's okay to change for the better right? I start controlling my anger I always take a deep breathe and count one to three before I speak and try to understand the situation, as well as the person is saying, and to be honest at first there's the feeling that I'm hurting my pride and there's a time when I'm so frustrated or angry I just hurt myself si I can calm which is I think is wrong (?) What if I ended up killing myself lol. It's very hard.

Then early 2019, there's something my doctor tells me then I decided to stop seeing my doctor (it's not that serious.) and stop taking my medicine and to be honest I don't want to live long. I tell myself that I will spend my money on the things that make me happy, If I die someday then I'll die happy.

When I'm in the process of change why do I feel anxious? I feel insecure I feel like walking on broken glass. I always think about what others think of me. There are always what-ifs. What if they don't like me? What if they hate me? What if they're doing this because they feel bad for me? What if they don't have any choice? What if my what-ifs are right? What should I feel? What should I do? I'm too focused to change and end up still hurting people. It makes me feels and looks like shit. 

As I want to be "understanding" and "kind" as much as possible and be a responsible adult I think I lost my way and lose friends day by day.